Where I'm coming from...
I write this with fruit toast crumbs on the protruding belly which carries my second child. In front of me is anoverflowing basket of toys, including an empty egg carton and a toy library trike. I should be preparing for guests who are coming over tonight in this precious two and a bit hour time slot when my firstborn, sixteen month-old, Joshua is asleep but I'm ok with that. I'll get there eventually. For now, it is a joy to have warm toast (or the remnants thereof) beside me and the mental inclination to write.
The title of this page is "Philosophy" because I often find myself unpacking a dishwasher or driving home from a friend's thinking about the many great debates of parenting and how we all, eventually, have some kind of inner philosophy about parenting. We may not articulate it, we may not know that it's there but it is the underlying belief system which drives our behaviour and sets the tone of our family life. I don't mean the stated philosophy, the words we make mental agreement with when someone on a talk show mentions them, but the actual beliefs which any fly on the wall would observe in a 'normal' week in the life of you.
I am, and always have been, an observer of people and someone who asks "Is this working? Is this person's behaviour getting them what they want?" My mother laughingly recounts the way I would watch my older sister's tantrums and temper which seemed to result in scolding and frustration on all sides. Mum says it was like a light going on as she saw me turn on the charm instead, smiling, and laughing to attract the delighted attention of those around me. The joys of being a younger child! I'll wait while all the firstborns reading this secretly hate me for a minute and remember their sibling’s various manipulations! I could go on about birth order and personality shaping but I won't! But I have always wondered why people continue to operate in ways which do not help them attain the life they want when they have other choices. Einstein said "madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result." As for pushing an agenda, well I will be upfront about mine, so at least you can critique for yourself whether you agree or not. My agenda is for families to be empowered and informed enough to choose a philosophy and some strategies which allow them to cope, manage and even thrive as a family.
My Philosophy
So all this watching and wondering, I suppose, has lead to a philosophy of my own, although I do believe there is "nothing new under the sun" and my own philosophy on parenting and family life is just a cobbled together quilt of things that I have observed which seem to work and which align with my values. Perhaps you can learn and take from me some patches and pieces which will come to form your own quilt of what you seek to be as a parent. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
OK Families
Of primary concern to me is the wellbeing and sustainability of the family. I have read about and watched 'child-centred' parenting, 'parent-directed' parenting and observed countless examples (including my own) of 5pm-holy-crap-lets-just-do-whatever-is-the-easiest parenting (sometimes a valid choice!) Any approach which holds up the wellbeing of one side of the equation (parents or kids) above the other just doesn’t seem to last. The family is a unit, and all need to be chugging along fairly well in order for the family to be healthy. At times the needs of one will rise above the needs of another – a three year old who has caught gastro and is vomiting up their shoelaces will of course take precedence over Mummy’s special time with a good book but likewise a toddler’s desire for their fourteenth whizzy-dizzy will sometimes need to submit to Dad’s need for half an hour to tinker with his bike BY HIMSELF! Everyone has needs in a family and for a philosophy to go the distance, I believe everyone’s needs must be taken into account.
Ok Parents
At the end of the day, an approach which is so draining and exhausting for parents, despite seeming to be the nicest for the children just cannot work. I know too many parents who have started down one track - usually the softly, softly approach to sleep and settling only to discover that although it makes their baby happy to be rocked, bounced and fed off to sleep for an hour every time they need a sleep, they cannot maintain that track when sleep deprivation, family illness or baby number two come along. This can leave families very stuck and involve lots of tears, guilt and transition stress when the 'ideal' approach is not sustainable for the whole family. I am passionate about parents being ok. Yes, I've said 'ok' because when you are a parent you can't be fully rested, well exercised and bursting with super food fuelled health all the time, but if you can say you are ok, then you are probably in a better place to be a good parent and partner and respond to the needs of all members of your family, not just the smallest. Any approach which just isn't sustainable for parents and leaves them totally drained on a 'normal' night is going to cause huge issues down the track. We need to work towards strategies which cater to the needs of our children but which also allow the parents to maintain their sleep, couple-time and general daily routines, within reason.
Ok kids
The no-brainer here is that kids need to be looked after and given an environment in which to thrive. What is the point of having them if that is not our goal? Kids need to feel that their needs will be met, that they are loved and safe and also that they are not required to be in charge of their world. At times, they will need to know they are the centre of your universe and loved beyond all reasonable measure of the word. But at times they will need to wait their turn, deal with their seemingly urgent desire for whatever it is without your help and manage their own world to the extent that is reasonable for their age and stage. The kids need to be alright. If as parents we are not ready to sacrifice many, many things in order to meet our children’s needs then we will find parenting a constant tug of war, and will resent and become bitter from all the endless demands which children place on us. They are smaller, more vulnerable and unable to do many if not any things for themselves. As parents it is often, regularly our job to 'suck it up' and walk away from the thing we want to do in order to take care of and love our children. That is our burden and our immensely beautiful privilege. That constant truth will be at once a heavy rock to drag behind us everywhere we go, and the cramped cocoon in which we turn from ugly bugs into beautiful winged creatures of immense value. That sacrifice is central to shaping a healthy family and if we can learn to give that as a gift, rather than reluctantly be dragged to it we will more fully be able to participate in the deep joy of loving and being responsible for another.
As I welcome the arrival of baby number two and go back into the newborn phase of managing sleep and settling and adjust our family's idea of 'normal' again I hope to reflect more on what we learn about maintaining an 'ok' family.
What stuff do you believe deep down about parenting? Have you ever verbalised that to yourself or others? It's a bit taboo sometimes to talk about so if you want to do some thinking and leave a thoughtful reply I'd love to hear from you.
The title of this page is "Philosophy" because I often find myself unpacking a dishwasher or driving home from a friend's thinking about the many great debates of parenting and how we all, eventually, have some kind of inner philosophy about parenting. We may not articulate it, we may not know that it's there but it is the underlying belief system which drives our behaviour and sets the tone of our family life. I don't mean the stated philosophy, the words we make mental agreement with when someone on a talk show mentions them, but the actual beliefs which any fly on the wall would observe in a 'normal' week in the life of you.
I am, and always have been, an observer of people and someone who asks "Is this working? Is this person's behaviour getting them what they want?" My mother laughingly recounts the way I would watch my older sister's tantrums and temper which seemed to result in scolding and frustration on all sides. Mum says it was like a light going on as she saw me turn on the charm instead, smiling, and laughing to attract the delighted attention of those around me. The joys of being a younger child! I'll wait while all the firstborns reading this secretly hate me for a minute and remember their sibling’s various manipulations! I could go on about birth order and personality shaping but I won't! But I have always wondered why people continue to operate in ways which do not help them attain the life they want when they have other choices. Einstein said "madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result." As for pushing an agenda, well I will be upfront about mine, so at least you can critique for yourself whether you agree or not. My agenda is for families to be empowered and informed enough to choose a philosophy and some strategies which allow them to cope, manage and even thrive as a family.
My Philosophy
So all this watching and wondering, I suppose, has lead to a philosophy of my own, although I do believe there is "nothing new under the sun" and my own philosophy on parenting and family life is just a cobbled together quilt of things that I have observed which seem to work and which align with my values. Perhaps you can learn and take from me some patches and pieces which will come to form your own quilt of what you seek to be as a parent. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
OK Families
Of primary concern to me is the wellbeing and sustainability of the family. I have read about and watched 'child-centred' parenting, 'parent-directed' parenting and observed countless examples (including my own) of 5pm-holy-crap-lets-just-do-whatever-is-the-easiest parenting (sometimes a valid choice!) Any approach which holds up the wellbeing of one side of the equation (parents or kids) above the other just doesn’t seem to last. The family is a unit, and all need to be chugging along fairly well in order for the family to be healthy. At times the needs of one will rise above the needs of another – a three year old who has caught gastro and is vomiting up their shoelaces will of course take precedence over Mummy’s special time with a good book but likewise a toddler’s desire for their fourteenth whizzy-dizzy will sometimes need to submit to Dad’s need for half an hour to tinker with his bike BY HIMSELF! Everyone has needs in a family and for a philosophy to go the distance, I believe everyone’s needs must be taken into account.
Ok Parents
At the end of the day, an approach which is so draining and exhausting for parents, despite seeming to be the nicest for the children just cannot work. I know too many parents who have started down one track - usually the softly, softly approach to sleep and settling only to discover that although it makes their baby happy to be rocked, bounced and fed off to sleep for an hour every time they need a sleep, they cannot maintain that track when sleep deprivation, family illness or baby number two come along. This can leave families very stuck and involve lots of tears, guilt and transition stress when the 'ideal' approach is not sustainable for the whole family. I am passionate about parents being ok. Yes, I've said 'ok' because when you are a parent you can't be fully rested, well exercised and bursting with super food fuelled health all the time, but if you can say you are ok, then you are probably in a better place to be a good parent and partner and respond to the needs of all members of your family, not just the smallest. Any approach which just isn't sustainable for parents and leaves them totally drained on a 'normal' night is going to cause huge issues down the track. We need to work towards strategies which cater to the needs of our children but which also allow the parents to maintain their sleep, couple-time and general daily routines, within reason.
Ok kids
The no-brainer here is that kids need to be looked after and given an environment in which to thrive. What is the point of having them if that is not our goal? Kids need to feel that their needs will be met, that they are loved and safe and also that they are not required to be in charge of their world. At times, they will need to know they are the centre of your universe and loved beyond all reasonable measure of the word. But at times they will need to wait their turn, deal with their seemingly urgent desire for whatever it is without your help and manage their own world to the extent that is reasonable for their age and stage. The kids need to be alright. If as parents we are not ready to sacrifice many, many things in order to meet our children’s needs then we will find parenting a constant tug of war, and will resent and become bitter from all the endless demands which children place on us. They are smaller, more vulnerable and unable to do many if not any things for themselves. As parents it is often, regularly our job to 'suck it up' and walk away from the thing we want to do in order to take care of and love our children. That is our burden and our immensely beautiful privilege. That constant truth will be at once a heavy rock to drag behind us everywhere we go, and the cramped cocoon in which we turn from ugly bugs into beautiful winged creatures of immense value. That sacrifice is central to shaping a healthy family and if we can learn to give that as a gift, rather than reluctantly be dragged to it we will more fully be able to participate in the deep joy of loving and being responsible for another.
As I welcome the arrival of baby number two and go back into the newborn phase of managing sleep and settling and adjust our family's idea of 'normal' again I hope to reflect more on what we learn about maintaining an 'ok' family.
What stuff do you believe deep down about parenting? Have you ever verbalised that to yourself or others? It's a bit taboo sometimes to talk about so if you want to do some thinking and leave a thoughtful reply I'd love to hear from you.